Soundtracksforthem

When I hide, sometimes I hide so well I get lost. The problem with this is, when I want to be found again, it’s something of an impossibility- I’m lost for days… weeks. Once I was lost for a whole eight months before I regained the strength to resurrect myself. That’s the magnitude of how it is and there’s a multitude of things it bring it on; you’re looking at one of them right now. I have a tendency to analyse (and over analyse at that,) every situation I’ve ever found myself teetering on the edge of making a decision about and then kick myself for always making the wrong choice. How do I know the choices I make are the wrong ones? Well, if they were right ones, I wouldn’t need to fucking over-analyse them all the time I guess. I ask myself how it can be that time after time after time, I fail at making a solitary decision that is for my good and my good alone. Maybe that last word and fear of it have something got to do with it.

Whilst lost, the dreams I have are not of the past. They are not strange, nor odd, nor scary. They are not of the future. They are of an untrue improbability, untrue because in myself I know that what lies on the other side will never, ever make me happy, What lies on the other side would eat me up; does eat me up inside, renting my world apart, creating a sometimes void, sometimes vortex of snakes where my chest once was. Improbable, only because to use the word impossible would only serve to make things worse. I dream of something that I know won’t make me happy but I won’t be happy until I’ve seen that for myself; I go from sitting atop the world and looking down on it from above, to looking up at it with weary but not so innocent eyes, knowledgeable that all is not as it ever seems. But you know what? LIFE=FTW and sometimes I make that conscious decision not to give a shit. “Fuck it guys, lets go bowling.”